"Recently, someone said to me, "Everything that happens to a child is the parent's fault." As a parent, that statement immediately carried weight. It suggested that I was responsible not only for how my children were raised, but for every choice they have ever made, including every mistake, poor decision, or painful experience, regardless of the care, structure, values, and guidance I consistently provided."
"As a clinician, I recognized this as a classic example of "absolutist thinking" or cognitive distortion, where events are interpreted in black-and-white terms with no room for nuance. This type of "all-or-nothing" thinking can lead to rigid expectations, heightened stress, and emotional distress, and is commonly observed in conditions such as depression and anxiety. What makes this form of thinking particularly harmful in the context of parenting is that it leaves no space for individuality, autonomy, or growth in children."
"It frames children as mere extensions of their parents rather than as developing individuals with their own agency, curiosity, and capacity to make choices. Ironically, one of the messages I often share with parents is, "You are raising adults, not babies." This emphasizes the importance of equipping children with the tools and skills they need to function independently as adults."
Absolutist, all-or-nothing thinking attributes every child outcome solely to parental fault and creates unrealistic parental responsibility. Such cognitive distortion fosters rigid expectations, heightened stress, and emotional distress, and commonly appears in depression and anxiety. The stance denies children's individuality, autonomy, and capacity for independent choice. Effective parenting emphasizes equipping children with skills and tools to function independently rather than assuming total control of outcomes. Blaming parents for every outcome undermines raising independent adults and erases the role of external influences, peer interactions, and individual temperament. Children do not grow in a vacuum; many behaviors stem from factors parents neither taught nor modeled.
Read at Psychology Today
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