"This is the same thing I think when people say they want to suppress an inappropriate crush: Give it up. It won't work. Just let yourself keep your feelings. They're not harming anyone. Instead, let's focus on your actions and making sure they're aligned with 1) being the kind of person you want to be, and 2) being strategic about setting your husband up to have some measure of peace when his mom is gone."
"You should reevaluate what you do for your MIL in the name of emotional fulfilment, because that kind of need can be a bottomless pit-you'll never make her completely happy. But you might think of a handful of actions that feel meaningful to you and also support your husband in feeling good about her final years. For example, ask her if she has a"
Unwanted thoughts about a caregiving burden and eventual death should not be suppressed, because suppression strengthens them. Acceptance of such thoughts reduces their power. Emphasize actions rather than thought control by aligning behavior with personal values and strategic family planning. Reevaluate caregiving driven by emotional fulfilment; avoid a bottomless pit of attempts to make the elder completely happy. Choose a limited set of meaningful supports that also help the spouse feel peace during the elder's final years. Gather practical information about the elder's wishes, delegate responsibilities, set boundaries, and prioritize sustainable care compatible with family obligations.
Read at Slate Magazine
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