"How often do you make jokes that offend your wife? If this happens a lot, I'd apologize for the whole pattern and let her know in very direct language that you want to work on it. If this is a one-time issue, consider whether you've clearly apologized. Ideally, an apology contains a direct acknowledgement of what you did, an accurate description of how that hurt the other person, and some fairly feasible statement of what you're doing to prevent recurrence of the same issue."
"Justifications, excuses, attempts to point out where the other person is contributing to or exacerbating the issue, or discussions of how the consequences of her reaction to your words are negative for you are distractions at this stage from the main point, which is, "I know I did this thing that hurt you in this way, and I regret it. Here's what I'm doing to decr"
Wife experiences painful sex, possibly from dryness or another cause. Husband made a flippant comment about an STI and joked he did not want it on his face, which offended her. She has refused oral sex and will not discuss the issue for about a month. A clear apology should acknowledge the specific action, describe how it hurt her, and state feasible steps to prevent recurrence. Avoid justifications, excuses, or shifting blame. Respect her boundary, do not pressure for sexual contact, and allow time and consistent behavior to rebuild trust and comfort.
Read at Slate Magazine
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